[WP] The year is 2045, countries as we know them no longer exist as the world has now been divided into Feudal States under the control of Multinational corporations…

The year is 2045, countries as we know them no longer exist as the world has now been divided into Feudal States under the control of Multinational corporations. You are a Noogler, Googles peasant class, and your village is being attacked by the Elite Disney Imagineer Squadron.

“DEPLOY THE GOOGLE SWORDS!” My commander shrieked as the mecha mouse drew closer. The eyes of the mickey drones would burn into my head as long as I still drew breath, their whirring ears and zombified intellectual property serving no purpose other than asset denial.

“THE GOOGLE SWORDS!” Came the cry of the searchers, racing through the city.

It wasn’t my job to fetch the swords. No. My job was to optimize their approach.

I drew out my grappling hook, looked down at the picture I kept on my bedside table, and wished that my sister was still here to see this.

Because this time, I wasn’t going to be scared. This time, I was going to make it happen.

This time, that fucking mouse would see what happened when you picked a fight with SEO corps!

The grappling hook in hand, I threw myself out of the window. The goof artillery was growing closer. I could practically feel the bead of distant chugging equations, the whirr of the Beauty Beasts and the roar of the mobile theme park happiness dispensers.

But not today.

The google bots emerged from their prison deep under the earth, the political prisoners screaming as light touched their sensitive membranes for the first time since 2030. They thumped their heads against objects as they stumbled around, only for the GMAIL head to snap his whip. “YOU SHALL SERVE YOUR STATE WELL THIS DAY! BETTER THAN YOU HAVE EVER SERVED THEM BEFORE!”

“Gmail head Francis!” I saluted. “What are your orders? I have dreamed of this day!”

“An SEO seeks my orders?” Francis asked, pinning his glasses back on his nose with the pad of his thumb. “Daring. I like that. TAKE THE RANGE FINDER AND PREPARE FOR THE DEPLOYMENT OF THE RIGHT TO BE FORGOTTEN!”

“SIR YES SIR!” I shouted. He tossed the range finder at me, shaped like Google itself, and I shot the grappling hook at the tallest building at the side of the mice.

It nearly took off my arm, but I’d long been reinforced with the finest in Google Steel to fit my role as the one who optimized.

Sure, I was a peasant, but every society fell without us!

I landed at the top of the building, rolling nimbly to land on my feet.

I wouldn’t fuck up. Not this time.

But there was already someone up there.

“Surrender, kid,” A Jazmine said, drawing both of her swords. “I’m here for the engine prototype.”

“And I’m here to get the title of Rat Killer,” I said. I drew my knife.

“You’re a Noogler,” Jazmine laughed. “What can you possibly do to me?”

“Nothing.” I said. “But everyone else?”

I flashed the range finder at her instead, the lime green light centering itself on her forehead, and pulled the trigger. Distantly, the survey drones responded to my call.

I had found an enemy, as was my job. They’d be here shortly.

“Pathetic,” Jazmine spat, narrowing her eyes. “We will make sure NOBODY REMEMBERS YOUR EXISTENCE!”

“A better fate than being cryogenically frozen to serve in your movies for the rest of my life!” I hissed.

The drones descended, and her blades, laced with the greatest and latest in movie magic, derived from the dank rituals of disney himself, and saved from creepy abandoned theme parks the world over, flashed like the grin of a cruel god. A drone exploded, and I lost track of her. Then the next drone exploded, and she stood on the edge of the building, swords gleaming with the recycled fry oil the drones ran off of.

It was better to go green in this day and age!

“What are you?”

“I’m Jazmine,” The Jazmine said. “I’m The Jazmine.”

My heart would’ve been in my throat if that didn’t give the Disney bots a better access point. As it was, I turned away from her, sweat rolling down my neck.

The Jazmine!? I couldn’t… I thought she was just…

The roar of the distant Mickey Mech drew my attention.

No, I couldn’t be distracted by a super powered enemy. That wasn’t my job. I’d leave that to the endless security drones chewed out by Friend Computer.

No, my job was optimization. I stared at the massive beast that would tear down everything I love and hold dear, and pointed the range finder at it.

From close to a mile away, I couldn’t even see the dot, but my Google Glasses chirped out that I was hitting it. I held it there.

Then the Glasses returned that it knew I was optimizing.

And it deployed the happiest place on earth charges.

They flew through the air, shot out of pneumatic tubes until the wings could take over, and quacked like a thousand ducks.

Huey Dewey and Loiue arched up into the heavens, followed by Donald and Scrooge, and struck the building below me with an agonizing thump.

I swallowed, and reached for the Grappling hook.

And Jazmine leapt off the side of the building. It was fine, I knew that at this point, the sky was filled with magic carpets, their engines quietly whirring like a dyson fan.

I hooked myself over to the next building, and the duck charges erupted into a cacophony of happiness and shrapnel, reducing the data center to nothing but scrap.

The rest of the building would follow with thermite.

But I wasn’t there to worry about it, because the grappling hook had gone taut, sending my flying forward.

Come on, where were the damn swords when I needed them? There was only so much optimizing I could do!

But that was quitter talk! Even as I flew through the air I twisted to keep the finder firmly on the Mickey Mech.

But it was already deploying more mascots, coating the ground in the heavily reinforced and genetically modified.

This wasn’t a border assault, this was a full blown invasion. If It wasn’t for the fact my soul was backed up on the cloud, I’d have been seriously worried.

“MY LIFE FOR GOOGLE!” I screamed, and the range finder finished optimizing.

Far ahead, past the band of ruined space that had once supported weather satellites and nationalistic sciences, where the ISS still stood as the GOOGLE ORBITAL RESEARCH FACILITY, the Sword of Google awoke.

It bore one weapon, one it had been charging for over a year.

It took notice of my actions, took notice of the repetitive pings from every Noogler in the city, and locked on.

“WE ARE NOW ISSUING THE RIGHT TO BE FORGOTTEN!” Francis screamed over the intercoms. “CEASE AND DESIST!”

The Sword fired, and the entire city was atomized in glorious HD.

I died with a damn smile on my face.

It was fine though, I’d be back tomorrow to show up for work.